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The Coolest Cobra Strike You’ve Ever Seen
Every Mom at some point or another has worn a particular pair of glasses in her life.
It’s true.
As Beverly Goldberg demonstrated last night with a simple stroll past her two sons wrestling (excuse me, doing kara-te!) in the living room, she showed that she owned a pair of “Mom Goggles.”
Spoiler Alert: This is a recap of “The Goldbergs” from December 10, 2013
What are “Mom Goggles” you ask? It’s a specific type of lens a Mom sees the world through whereby which everything her child or children does is unequivocally amazing, perfect and life-altering. This special perspective is the equal combination of excitement, denial and a unique kind of love that only a Mother can give.
This guidance and encouragement can even lead to showing up at her son’s high school to threaten (in the funniest way possible) the talent show director, Mr. Glasscott, for denying her breathtaking Barry from shining a light on the world with his incredibly uncoordinated and non-karate karate performance in front of the entire school.
The performance would not be considered “cool” by any stretch of the imagination. The cool kids in the crowd would surely ridicule him.
Strangely enough though, after Beverly Goldberg’s meet-and-greet with Mr. Glasscott, that had elements of verbal karate, news broke in suburban Philadelphia the the Tri-State Talent Show Committee had overruled the high school and would, therefore, give Barry his black belt/his Dad’s robe belt back!
The only other thing standing in Barry’s was, well, a dinner roll.
And yes, this matter clearly warranted a Tri-State ruling. Those talent shows are incomparably high octane. Just be sure not to mess with the National Talent Show Committee.
While “The Karate Kid” was getting a Goldberg-reboot courtesy of director/robber with a panty-hose mask and lethal red light saber Adam, Erica was preparing to act cool by sitting in the front row to witness her brother’s genuinely spectacular knockout (KO). It’s what older sisters do (I know from personal experience). However, Pops didn’t see it that way. He saw the situation differently.
Call it “Pops Goggles.”
First, it was singing. Then, it was the banjo. The accordion was also mentioned as an alternative. No dice. Erica was as unmoved as Pops reading a magazine with “Eight Ways to Catch a Hunk.”
Then, after a frank discussion from Murray Goldberg to Mr. Glasscott, news broke again in the talent show universe when the National Talent Show Committee overruled the Tri-State Talent Show Committee to allow Barry to continue his dream of kara-te. What are the odds!? Although, it does makes sense: national would trump the tri-state.
The night of the talent show was ripe for glory, as well as a surprise or two…
The time had come for Barry to showcase his ninja skills, despite the very unusual bickering between the Tri-State and National Talent Show Committees and his Dad’s wisdom to refrain from performing with a touching story from his youth.
It was time to transform the high school auditorium into Barry’s own personal dojo.
There was just one thing standing in the way of Barry annihilating his competition: a last second realization of the humiliation of what was about to occur stage right. Then, out of nowhere, a familiar face appeared backstage. Finally inspired by her grandfather’s persistence (and a guitar with a sweet note), Erica decided to pull out her own ninja moves…
With a new, but trusty red electric guitar, Erica decided to hit the talent show audience “with her best shot” Pat Benatar style. It was sensational.
But what do you get when one Goldberg gets on stage?
Answer: Three Goldbergs!
Inspired by his sister’s courage, reception and song choice, Barry built up his own courage (and cobra strike) and took the stage for an unforgettable kara-te demonstration with zealous brother Adam. Not only did Barry and Erica shock the world/high school talent show audience that night, but a Christmas tree and a giant candy cane also got an unexpected surprise. The crowd erupted in cheers (not laughter), which led to a standing ovation of family and friends.
Even Murray was overcome with excitement and uncharacteristic pride.
What really sealed the deal was a magical move from Barry who, somehow, manged to break a piece of wood with his foot!
It looked something like this…
(It also helps if the director/younger brother replaces real wood with balsa wood)
Every parent wants their children to succeed and there are moments of unfiltered pride that may seem utterly strange and, by all accounts, bad from everybody else’s perspective. But sometimes that overzealous, unrelenting support can lead to a pretty spectacular result.
And Beverly couldn’t have expressed her love for her children any better than the following statement of poetic genius for her middle child Barry.
“No one tells my baby he can’t cobra strike!”
“Mom Goggles” can be pretty cool.
Looking Beyond the Fiddle Faddle
“I’m a female woman!”
Spoiler Alert: This is a recap of “The Goldbergs” from December 3, 2013.
There are practically zero circumstances in life where that statement makes any logical sense…at all.
To add a bit of clarity, here’s a little context: Beverly Goldberg in mall jail.
Mystery solved.
Imagine running a marathon for 26.19 miles and then, for the final 0.01 mile of the race, your brother sweeps in from nowhere to joyfully jog backwards into the finish line to reap all the glory. The frustration one would feel would be off the charts in complete and utter shock. The emotions would be virtually unprecedented. Actually, in this situation, that was exactly the case. Switch in six months of pursuing the grand prize in “Legends of Zelda” in 1980s-something for the marathon and you’ve got Adam and Barry’s most recent brotherly battle.
What’s worse: Adam losing his glorious Zelda finale to his older brother, Barry’s negativity forcing his quick thinking grandfather to lie and deceive him about luck or that Barry wore a ketchup colored shirt to bet on the ponies while eating a hot dog with mustard?
All have the credentials to claim the Exotica.
To fully understand how Beverly Goldberg found herself in the treacherous room known as “mall jail,” the issue of money plus a teenage daughter must first be discussed. What do you get when the savviest shopper of all-time (buy two mattresses, get two free and a $9.99 lawn mower!) gives birth to a daughter who fifteen or sixteen years later gets a job as a cashier at a dynamite department store with an incredible employee discount?
You get a Mom who sets up camp at her embarrassed teenage daughter’s place of employment/place of coolness/”supposed” freedom and independence, a mannequin stolen, but also the incomparable “Clapper.”
After all the clothes and random purchases during just one week, Erica’s boss finally stepped in (but in a totally non-flirtatious way) to subtly tell his newest employee that her Mom had to be cut-off from the discount.
Enter the snow pants.
With a perfectly maniacal plan to deny the discount from her Mother, Erica, with a smile, watched as her Mom “allegedly” tried to steal perfume while also buying snow pants for the same daughter who was willing to send her own Mother down the river…to mall jail.
While all this was happening, “Barry Luck” was providing said brother with a delusional sense of prosperous fortune. Was it real? No. But sometimes it takes an illusion to spark a necessary and magical mindset of confidence. The placebo effect. It’s something grandparents understand and Pops is undoubtedly one of the greats.
The tension between Erica and Beverly, like most things in life, was not really about a massive overuse of an employee discount. It was about big life decisions and what she and her Mom value most. And the reasons for those decisions.
As every family should realize (and the Goldbergs sure did), being a Mom is full-time job that truly brings harmony, stability and a crazily awesome love for her family.
There are times when we need to pause, take a deep breath and understand that people want different things out of life. Knowing what we want out of life, with all the chaos and opportunities around us, is an impressive trait to possess. Whatever that may be, it’s a sign of intelligence, strength and inner serenity.
And if that’s your starting point every morning, then you should consider yourself rich without the need for any discount or “(insert your name here) luck.”
Beverly Goldberg was only in mall jail for 12 minutes. However, it doesn’t take viewers nearly that long to get hilariously excited for each new episode of “The Goldbergs” every Tuesday night at 9:00 p.m. on ABC.
It’s a popular favorite!
P.S. Beverly literally owns “The Clapper.” She literally used it in the best way imaginable!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Today, we will all gather around the dinner table of that brave soul who willingly volunteered to host Thanksgiving with our family and friends to give thanks for the many blessings in our lives. Feasts will overwhelm kitchens with each family’s special touch. This may pertain to cranberry sauce that is prepared beyond just shimmying it out of the can, potatoes with or without lumps or that special dessert from a family recipe with that quintessential whipped cream dollop.
Regardless of the shouting, screaming and crying (and don’t forget about the children), the varying successes and failures throughout today will perfectly define Thanksgiving for us all. But, when all the food is eaten, the dishes cleared (not yet cleaned, but cleared) and people’s adrenaline levels have subsided, then that special bonding moment can begin with either a visit to the movie theater or an in-home entertainment presentation.
From my family to yours, here’s a little insight (or appetizer if you will) to what really brings joy to our world (drum beat please!).
Don’t forget about those in-laws…
Happy Thanksgiving!
P.S. We all know the scene below is when we learned what it is in turkey that makes us drowsy:
88 MPH to an ’88 (or so) Thanksgiving
In eight days, families from across the United States will gather together at their dinner table (and kid’s table) to individually and collectively give thanks for the blessings in their lives. There will be joyfulness from reminiscing about past memories, delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen and, above all else, complete and utter bedlam.
95% chaos, 5% peace and tranquility: Hello Thanksgiving!
Before we funnel into the designated house of our soon to be regretful host next week, one particular suburban Philadelphia family welcomed us into their home for a quintessential Thanksgiving celebration last night. While mission control was the kitchen and the commander was Beverly, the action spread far and wide on the Goldbergs premises.
Spoiler Alert for the DVR crowd for the latest episode of, “The Goldbergs”
The sons engaged in their made-up sibling game of “Ball Ball.” Or is it “Adam Ball” now…? The scenes with Adam and Barry (with Erica looking on, lounging on the spectator couch half-interested, half-rolling her eyes) was the perfect imagery of the glory that arises from a random, yet totally logical family game with a one-of-a-kind trophy to be used as a chalice at dinner for all to see.
In the case of this sibling game that involves knee pads, pillows, two hockey masks, a catchers mask and blue and yellow hula hoops scrunched in bean bag chairs, the age of old question between the older and the not-so much younger brother anymore is continuously answered:
Who’s the man? But what happens if that “one in a million” chance actually occurs? Then “the man” would have to be spelled A-D-A-M.
For Barry, the consequences would be comically dire.
When not fighting, this is the predominant therapy for how siblings interact with each other. This is how they bond. Are the rules absurd and never-ending? Will this ultimately lead to a colossal rematch for the ages that is the thing of legends and great mythology?
Yes, yes and yes!
And then, all of a sudden like something shot right outta thin air, the crazy (and oddly consistent) relative shows up with a grand entrance in a car that perfectly symbolizes the pure imagination of an entire decade and era of movies: the DeLorean DMC-12.
“Gotta get back in time!”
Huey Lewis and the News knows what that’s about.
Murray has always viewed his brother Marvin as a screw up, a chronically burdensome responsibility and, yes, a moron. Yet, during this Thanksgiving visit in 1980-something, Marvin promised it was different. Now working a “normal 9-5 job,” his future was assuredly looking brighter and smoother.
Did you know a triangle is the same shape as a pyramid?
A few mysteriously burning faces, an acknowledgement of basic geometry and a parking brake-less DeLorean DMC-12 on a hill later, the Goldbergs’ plus-1 was as unsettled as his car’s frame. Not even Beverly’s entertainingly deceitful promises to her fellow dinner companions in pursuit of her perfect Thanksgiving with a certain emphasis on the chef could have brought the harmony on the day she wanted it most.
No, it was going to take something much more powerful to change the dynamics of this disastrous day. In fact, it would take a curve ball.
In an act of sincere generosity sparked by a difficult, though necessary introspective, Marvin gave his big brother a small token of his lifelong appreciation for taking care of him when he was younger. It was a baseball. It was a memory. Perhaps most importantly, it was unexpected. Following this surprising gesture, Murray decided to bring his younger brother back into the future plans of his family’s Thanksgiving feast that evening.
What does a scheming in-law/uncle + a crazy grandfather + two battling brothers + a completely full of it (had already eaten turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce next door) teenage daughter + a thankful husband and family to their relentlessly hard-working wife and mother = ?
It equates to virtually everyone’s family at Thanksgiving.
By the end of the special Thanksgiving episode, “The Goldbergs” had confirmed the acutely accurate and reliable holiday formula: 95% entertaining chaos and 5% peace, tranquility and love.
With a full season ordered for, “The Goldbergs,” it’s a safe bet that lots of “fanz digit.”
P.S. Adam’s right, Harrison Ford does rule!
Jimmy's Daily Planet 