“Now we’re parachute pals!”

Spoiler Alert: This is a recap of The Goldbergs from January 21, 2014:

For a young man in junior high, there comes a moment that happens but maybe once in his lifetime that transcends the very meaning of his existence on Earth.

What is this magical instance?

It’s the one time when a guy tries to be funny around a girl he likes and, as if the Gates of Heaven begin to open its doors, the girl genuinely laughs. She laughs! Then, by some miracle, she continues this miraculous event with a casual request “to save her a dance.” Inside a guy’s head, it might as well be the Fourth of July combined with Christmas!

Now, the difficult part. Learning to dance…

Adam’s conquest of securing his first dance with a girl can be viewed (in its initial stage of moving to his own rhythm courtesy of a television show) as a traffic accident in the middle of a busy intersection. Fortunately for him, members of his family were traveling on roads around the scene of this crash. But only one would have the jumper cables to provide the spark for Adam’s own Saturday Night Fever.

Who knew the best help kit would involve something tailor made for a skydiver?

Erica was busy on the phone with her own emergency, which involved her friend’s new car and the color yellow.

Got it. Enough said. No further questions needed.

Time to reluctantly seek some sort of “wisdom” across the hall. And Barry doesn’t disappoint. The older brother is confident, yet clueless. Or so it seemed…

Adam is left with his only option: television and a snuggie, plus some rad moves!

Sneaking up behind her adorable son awkwardly following the dance show he was mimicking, Beverly Goldberg tries to persuade her sweet little Adam to let her teach him to dance. He, as expected, refuses with the power of a thousand suns. Until he, to his pure shock, witnesses and comes to grips with what a star dancer his Mom was with moves comparable to John Travolta himself.

After mastering the first seven chapters or so, the money dance had arrived in his living room like the Publishers Clearing House knocking at their door. But would Adam open the door and accept the check?

Despite multiple formal and informal protests, Adam was eventually persuaded by his Mom to…(deep breath) slow dance. Adam and his Mom knew that this was the real dance he wanted to learn to impress the girl of his dreams.

How did it go?

Let’s put it this way: It was embarrassing, uncomfortable and a little more embarrassing, but it was solving his problem.

Until…

Beverly then pulled her son in close in the most hilariously creepy yet adorable way possible with the rationale, “You smell like the dryer!” It was a successful dance lesson, but it was definitely over.

Despite a moment that was more awkward than A Flock of Seagulls haircut, the mission was mostly complete. Adam learned how to dance, while also maintaining the mental image of Barry dancing like the fourth, white member of Run DMC on a large piece of cardboard in the basement.

Then, when things couldn’t get any better, Beverly gave Adam parachute…the 1980s version of wait for it…pants! Yes, it happened! Combined with the perfect stone washed denim jacket, Adam was ready for takeoff. That was until his Mom popped out from the kitchen the day of the dance with the exact same outfit and the breaking news that she was a chaperone.

Elvis cannot leave the building.

In a panic, Adam implored his sister Erica to help distract their Mom with a photo album project (all he had to do was stop saying he ” loved her” for this favor). Hours would be needed. Success was on the horizon. But this is Beverly Goldberg we’re talking about and she pieced together a photo album for the ages in no time.

Literally.

Shell-shocked and impressed, Erica was powerless to stop her Mother from going to Adam’s dance. Something big was going to happen…

While all of this was occurring, Barry was pretending not to know anything about “the birds and the bees” to his Dad because he was upset Murry never sat him down for “the talk” or anything else like that (thank goodness Pops was there). But Murry was strong-armed by his wife to finally give him “the talk.” Enter hilarious baseball analogies concerning Mike Schmidt, Wade Boggs and the dual sport athlete Bo Jackson. Plus a Fraggle reference.

“Bo can be a girl’s name.”

“They (Fraggles) dance their cares away!”

At the school dance, Adam speaks to his Mom and forces her to go away out of embarrassment. Devastated, Beverly listens and slowly makes her way out of the gymnasium. While this is happening, Adam meets up with his crush, but she’s too humiliated to dance because her Mom (also a chaperone) was dancing in the middle of the dance floor.

What now!?

A quick realization of what his Mom had done for him with the dance lesson and awesome clothing, Adam ran out of the gym to his sulking Mom and begged her to return. And being the star Beverly was, she not only returned, but she brought everyone (including her son’s crush) to the dance floor with her Travolta swagger and “The Safety Dance” (fitting for Adam’s car wreck of a beginning to dancing).

Then, as the music for the slow dance came on, Beverly cleverly maneuvered her fellow chaperone to the sidelines for her son’s and her daughter’s magical moment.

The dance had arrived and it was perfect…except for his Mom mouthing, “I love you” with emotional hand motions from the large door window only 30 paces away.

After realizing he had never had any of “the talks” with Barry, Murry finally decided to teach him something now. His lesson turned out to be much more than just a party trick to open a bottle to Barry…and Murry.

There is no “official” manual for parenting, which brings to mind a cause for celebration when creativity randomly flourishes from the minds of a Mom or Dad in the form of parachute pants, Fraggles and Wade Boggs.

“I was living for a dream, loving for a moment, taking on the world, that was just my style…”