Spoiler Alert: Content from this blog entry is from the April 15, 2015 episode of The Goldbergs

“Son, you are no longer a moron. You are a man.”

Last night, The Goldbergs gave its fans treinta minutos extra (that’s “30 extra minutes” for Adam Goldberg-level Spanish speakers) in a 2-episode feature. In dealing with this new, altered reality, the major highlights of both shows will be intertwined in a creative way…

I can relate to the Goldberg family in countless ways, but Adam in particular. And his titanic struggles with Spanish was like a play-by-play from my life, except for dressing up as a bullfighter and making guacamole in class (well played, Beverly). Full disclosure: we all had one subject that was just never going to happen, no matter what.

It was like, “No way, José!”

For me, like Adam, my least proficient subject was Spanish. Basically, it was all about survival. Pass and move on. And, whenever possible, pray for a teacher that was merciful in her grading. I never received special treatment for any of my profound proclamations, even when I conjured up such enlightening revelations as, “Donde esta la biblioteca?” However, Adam’s Smother, Beverly, was very good friends with Alexander Hamilton and his many, many twin brothers…

Beverly’s tactics became a forbidden dance involving Adam’s Spanish teacher in more ways than one, two steps to the right and dip!

And on the other side of town, Barry was exercising his gladiator skills. This involved heroic obstacles, such as balancing on an ottoman whilst getting hit in the head with two pillows taped to both ends of a stick with a helmet on, dodging zero tennis balls and failing to deliver a record-breaking number of pizzas in one evening…as in a crazy high number…it was 33! Fortunately for Barry, his old man could relate to his struggles as a first-time teenage worker and even had a cold brewsky waiting for his oldest son when he got home to share with him. Unfortunately for Murray, the beer company failed to print a warning label about not slapping the beer across the room out of nervousness.

Some people don’t need to drink a beer to feel its effects.

Perhaps Barry was subconsciously restraining himself while he trained for his audition video for “American Gladiators,” one of the greatest shows ever. Literally! Lucky for him, his trusty younger brother Adam was fully-equipped with a video camera and sick editing tricks. Now, would Adam use his tricks for good or for evil?

(Hint: Bob Saget was involved…)

Whenever confronting two evils, politics cannot be too far behind. For the Goldbergs household, it got personal. The presidential election with Reagan v. Mondale evolved into Nancy Reagan v. Geraldine Ferraro that really became Beverly v. Erica. Predicting what issues are important to voters can be impossible to anticipate and this was clearly revealed between newly political Erica and her priority opposite mother. “Just Say No” turned into a search and seizure of polarized opinions within the family.

Since last night was special and featured 2-episodes, how about an original lyrical poem written in the spirit of the Rapping King of the Goldberg household to summarize the night’s events:

Big Tasty here, and you wanna know what’s up?
when I see a beer, I just slap-that-cup!
My little bro is helping me out, flexing my muscles,
“American Gladiators” watch out, ’cause I ‘just say no’ to snuggles
Pops is around, always ready with sage advice,
except when I’m chillin’ in my new chair watching “Miami Vice”
It seems the fam is getting political, talkin’ about taxes,
I don’t wanna hear it because I’ve gotta go practice
But Erica said Mondale, Mom and Dad said Reagan,
set in their corners, they each think the other is mistaken
Pizza delivery wasn’t meant for me, there were just too many calls,
now Adam can resume hitting me with bright yellow balls!
Gotta get tough, the JTP needs me, we’re the Dream Team,
but a rival crew just booped my nose with a dollop of ice cream
Mom realized her baby boy isn’t perfect and replied with a, “que?”
“Tengo problemas y necesito ayuda” is what Adam wished he could say
Dad crossed into my sister’s universe and it was a mess,
he told Erica he was proud of her, speaking with fatherly finesse
She didn’t get the beer, but she definitely knew,
what it meant for them to almost share a brew
Adam and I had a tennis racket-to-chest and a heart-to-heart,
and in the end, we learned we never wanted to be apart
I was embarrassed on national TV, yet with a chance at prize money,
but hey, that’s just life with my family, which I guess is pretty funny

Like Reagan in ’84, The Goldbergs is a landslide win.