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How to Live in Malibu with No Money: By Alan Harper
As my parents and their friends prepare to enter the Malibu-beach house world of Two and a Half Men later tonight, I hope that they will witness a hilarious and cleverly written episode filled with classic one-liners from Berta and a Walden Schmidt/Ashton Kutcher who isn’t afraid to (once again) jump up the viewing rail and into the audience for some in-between scene singing and fun.
Most of all, I wish them the best of luck in spotting the one thing on the show’s set that has been virtually nonexistent for the past 10 1/2 years. For many, it’s an urban legend. A myth. For the rare few who have caught a glimpse of this mysterious and shocking object in the past, it’s undeniably mind-blowing. And yet, it can still leave one in absolute disbelief at what they’ve just seen.
Dare I write that a sighting of this item is downright life-altering.
If you do spot this treasured gem (well, it’s a knockoff), proceed with caution because it will take your breath away…
The wallet of Alan Harper: It’s filled with everything a father, brother, boyfriend and friend would ever need to carry with him at all times…except money.
(from an episode earlier this year)
Alan: “Can I get my free refill please?”
Movie Snack Guy:”Sorry sir, that offer only applies on the day of purchase.”
Alan: “I know…I purchased it today.”
Movie Snack Guy: “This is a Finding Nemo Cup.”
Alan: “…and you found him!”
After requesting a fresh bag of popcorn…
Alan: “Alright, alright, just tell your manager that Alan Harper would like to speak with him when he has a moment. He knows me.”
Movie Snack Guy: “We all know you.”
Will Qatar Shine in 2022?
There has been quite a heated debate centered on the 2022 World Cup and whether or not “the beautiful game” can still be played and enjoyed beautifully in 100 + degree Summer heat? Qatar is the host nation (thus far) and is comfortably situated in the desert sands and unrelentingly scorching sun of the Middle East.
Once again, the most obvious and asked question: Why would the World Cup, the most important soccer tournament in the world with the best nations and players, ever be held in the Middle East when soccer/football/futbol is played outside?
Answer: Money.
The answer is literally money.
The FIFA Secretary General, Frenchman Jerome Valcke, recently noted that the 2022 World Cup will be played, ”between Nov. 15 and Jan. 15 at the latest.”
Is this a good change for the sport and its most important tournament?
Important note: I have traveled to Doha, Qatar and it was wonderful to visit. The hotel was top-notch with an unforgettable indoor pool reminiscent of a palace. The city’s skyscrapers shine magnificently in the sun and the night sky as a visual portal into the future of what cities will aspire to become throughout the still young 21st century. The best word to describe the city and country now and in the future is new. The buildings are new, the hotels are new and the future to be seen and visited by the world will be new.
But soccer is old. Pubs that smell of beer, fish and chips and varying degrees of heartache and jubilation are filled with men and women, young and old, telling stories of that goal or the save to their children or grandchildren or even a perfect stranger. Framed pictures of cherished moments, colorful scarves and jerseys with legendary last names hang on walls. The pub, in and of itself, it just as much a club as the soccer club its patrons cheer so passionately for during the week and on those perfect Saturdays afternoons.
The sport is old. The love is old. The traditions are old. The stadiums are old. And the stadiums that aren’t old in appearance are old in spirit. The passion is old, but vibrant and palpable.
Walks along narrow, crooked neighborhood streets in the cold rain on the way to the game matter. Trekking up a hill or across a field in Germany to a match at sunset with fans of both nations is an incredible feeling. Walking around a historic city square with men, women and children proudly sporting their nation’s colors and singing their respective anthems matters as it sends chills down one’s spine.
Atmosphere matters. Being surrounded by history, unforgettable stories and memories is significant and something to be treasured, celebrated and honored. Culture is special and is earned with scars, suspense and success.
Make no mistake: the stadiums and amenities in Qatar will be spectacular and luxurious and the host nation will spare no expense.
Except on the things that cannot be bought.
George Washington: It’s Been Too Long
For the past couple days, the top headline on major news websites has centered on the recent credit card information theft at Target. It’s a frightening, unnerving situation. How did it happen so easily, discreetly and to tens of millions of people? There is a lot of concern (as there should be) about how and what people who may fall into this category should do from this point forward.
There are essentially two recommendations: checking credit card transactions acutely with a magnifying glass for the next few to several months or ordering a new credit and/or debit card altogether. Frustrating either way. The most difficult part of using a credit or debit card should be whether or not there is enough money in the account and not if someone will steal the information one Saturday afternoon after buying a CD (and yes, this is still fun to do!) or toothpaste.
What to do now?
Beyond the recommendations listed above, the most secure option going forward may to become better friends with George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Alexander Hamilton and Andrew Jackson. And if you have the means to become BFFs with Benjamin Franklin, then kudos!
That’s right: cash.
Let the stories of nostalgia and yearned after innocence begin: “Back when I was your age…”
While fully aware this would constitute a major lifestyle change for a surreal number of people, it’s pretty much impossible for an identity to be stolen from public tender. In this scenario, the transition (slow and steady) back to the pre-Credit Card days would surely shake society with a seismic shift of sorts. Yes, no doubt. But this adjustment does not need to happen in an absolute sense for every expenditure, but maybe for the purchases at everyday stores like Target that are proving to be susceptible to mass theft. Major chain stores would fit the bill.
Maybe this would work? Maybe not? But it seems like a logical progression for consideration after the most recent news about Target.
Upon further reflection, the same should go for the U.S. federal government. As everybody knows, their use of our nation’s credit card has caused an identity theft of sorts for this country…
Looking Beyond the Fiddle Faddle
“I’m a female woman!”
Spoiler Alert: This is a recap of “The Goldbergs” from December 3, 2013.
There are practically zero circumstances in life where that statement makes any logical sense…at all.
To add a bit of clarity, here’s a little context: Beverly Goldberg in mall jail.
Mystery solved.
Imagine running a marathon for 26.19 miles and then, for the final 0.01 mile of the race, your brother sweeps in from nowhere to joyfully jog backwards into the finish line to reap all the glory. The frustration one would feel would be off the charts in complete and utter shock. The emotions would be virtually unprecedented. Actually, in this situation, that was exactly the case. Switch in six months of pursuing the grand prize in “Legends of Zelda” in 1980s-something for the marathon and you’ve got Adam and Barry’s most recent brotherly battle.
What’s worse: Adam losing his glorious Zelda finale to his older brother, Barry’s negativity forcing his quick thinking grandfather to lie and deceive him about luck or that Barry wore a ketchup colored shirt to bet on the ponies while eating a hot dog with mustard?
All have the credentials to claim the Exotica.
To fully understand how Beverly Goldberg found herself in the treacherous room known as “mall jail,” the issue of money plus a teenage daughter must first be discussed. What do you get when the savviest shopper of all-time (buy two mattresses, get two free and a $9.99 lawn mower!) gives birth to a daughter who fifteen or sixteen years later gets a job as a cashier at a dynamite department store with an incredible employee discount?
You get a Mom who sets up camp at her embarrassed teenage daughter’s place of employment/place of coolness/”supposed” freedom and independence, a mannequin stolen, but also the incomparable “Clapper.”
After all the clothes and random purchases during just one week, Erica’s boss finally stepped in (but in a totally non-flirtatious way) to subtly tell his newest employee that her Mom had to be cut-off from the discount.
Enter the snow pants.
With a perfectly maniacal plan to deny the discount from her Mother, Erica, with a smile, watched as her Mom “allegedly” tried to steal perfume while also buying snow pants for the same daughter who was willing to send her own Mother down the river…to mall jail.
While all this was happening, “Barry Luck” was providing said brother with a delusional sense of prosperous fortune. Was it real? No. But sometimes it takes an illusion to spark a necessary and magical mindset of confidence. The placebo effect. It’s something grandparents understand and Pops is undoubtedly one of the greats.
The tension between Erica and Beverly, like most things in life, was not really about a massive overuse of an employee discount. It was about big life decisions and what she and her Mom value most. And the reasons for those decisions.
As every family should realize (and the Goldbergs sure did), being a Mom is full-time job that truly brings harmony, stability and a crazily awesome love for her family.
There are times when we need to pause, take a deep breath and understand that people want different things out of life. Knowing what we want out of life, with all the chaos and opportunities around us, is an impressive trait to possess. Whatever that may be, it’s a sign of intelligence, strength and inner serenity.
And if that’s your starting point every morning, then you should consider yourself rich without the need for any discount or “(insert your name here) luck.”
Beverly Goldberg was only in mall jail for 12 minutes. However, it doesn’t take viewers nearly that long to get hilariously excited for each new episode of “The Goldbergs” every Tuesday night at 9:00 p.m. on ABC.
It’s a popular favorite!
P.S. Beverly literally owns “The Clapper.” She literally used it in the best way imaginable!
Jimmy's Daily Planet 