Speak Softly and Carry a Big Spray Can

Spoiler Alert: Content in this blog is from the February 11, 2015 episode of The Goldbergs

“I love you this much!”

What exactly does “this” mean? The natural vulnerability of being in love is a labyrinth for those who are married, but most especially for a young man in middle school. Adam Goldberg is a victim of his own massive heart, which gives way to happiness, excitement and intense paranoia. In Adam’s case, the “this much” debate had quickly catapulted its way into the stratosphere of the unknown with his increasingly popular girlfriend Dana after a charming high school gentlemen (revered by all) invited her to a class party at the water tower. Prince Charming also invited Dana’s little brother Adam. Ouch! To put it plainly, everybody seemed to be going through a growth spurt…except the most delicious boy in town (Beverly’s words).

Fortunately, just like pumping iron, the only way to go is up:

(The Goldbergs Twitter)

(The Goldbergs Twitter)

Disappointed is his lack of facial hair, Adam turned to Gentlemen’s Quarterly (GQ) for a follicle release method to speed up his inner Indiana Jones scruff. Following a thoroughly embarrassing family gathering in the bathroom with a Polaroid camera, which included his sister Erica’s lady’s razor, the mission was clear. The time had come for a big romantic gesture: Goldberg style.

Speaking of big gestures for love, none could compare to the one shown by lifelong Eagles fan Murray Goldberg. Barry being Barry, he broke down the “wall of no” of his dad and somehow managed to persuade him to watch his beloved Philadelphia Eagles face-off against those detestable Dallas Cowboys with Lainey’s dad. Little did they realize that there was some country twang in Jenkintown, PA…

So, how does one compete with the older, more evolved Prince Charming? How about a family engagement ring that comes with a complementary Beverly tracker? Showing up at the hallway locker gift-giving ceremony, the Goldbergs proved again to be the most awesomely awkward family ever. How did it end? Let’s just say there was a non-proposal proposal from Adam to his mother in front of all the cool kids. She took the ring back with an I do can do attitude and left her snuggle monster humiliated.

In a desperate attempt to prove his pre-grown up worth to Dana, the admirably ambitious Adam hopped on his bike and rode to the water tower party. In a daring effort, he climbed the tall water tower ladder with Dana’s (and everybody’s) attention keenly on him. He whipped a red spray can out and started to publicly declare his love for his girlfriend in front of Prince Charming and Co. Nearly finishing his epic quest, there was only one thing (well, one letter) that stood in Adam’s way. Recall that Dana has two “A’s”…

It was the perfect failure. It just had to happen that way.

Feeling out of place during that awkward middle school years is something I can absolutely relate to. Aside from school, my embarrassment at a lack of a Tom Selleck-like growth spurt was most clearly evident during summer track/Junior Olympics years. I was a high jumper (among other events) and I was by far the shortest leaper in my age group. Like Adam, it was like a boy versus men dynamic. There were likely plenty of spectators and parents who thought I was jumping in the wrong age group. Instead, I held my ground.

Well, not literally.

That belief that you are not tall enough or that you don’t fit in is brutal. It’s an eternal truth. However, when we’re with the right people and when we accept that it’s not about them, but actually ourselves, there’s no telling how high we can go!

I’m a high jumper, you had to know that pun was coming.

(BTW – How high did I go? How about a few national championships around the country)             

The power of love is an unmatched force, whether romantic or familial. Murray, after sort of admitting he likes Barry just a tiny bit more than his precious Eagles, helped his son understand (and vice-versa) what the real priorities in life are all about.

Barry and Lainey Lainey and Barry forever.

Plus, let’s not forget that Dana said she liked Adam and her new gimmicky Green Lantern ring just perfectly without grand gestures and that all she wanted to do was hang out and play video games together. I think that’s what we call Girlfriend Hall of Fame material.

I also think we’re all thankful that Beverly baked all of her children in her tummy.

The Goldbergs are America’s Family: Cacaw!

Posted on February 12, 2015, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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