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Tirer-Votre Famille
“What are you going to do when the Ruski invaders storm the suburbs of Philly?”
Spoiler Alert: This is a Recap of the April 1, 2014 episode of The Goldbergs
What does a pull-up, Red Dawn, a complete misunderstanding of the French language and a letter from President Reagan (but not really) all have in common?
Just another day in the Goldberg household.
Gym class in middle school can be a tortuous occasion (especially when wearing a bright yellow t-shirt with your name written on it in black marker). The embarrassment of not being able to do physical activities in front of all your classmates can be life-scarring, with the added bonus of the mispronunciation of your last name by your gym teacher. Still, the most fearful stage of the Presidential Fitness Test of the 1980s was that steel bar hanging high above the ground, shining with intimidation like a spotlight in the middle of the gymnasium for the muscle-intensive pull-up.
How does one lift their head over that bar when athletic ability is not your best friend or third cousin? For the terrified Adam Goldberg, it had something to do with a pool…
“Bienvenue à Philadelphie!“
Erica happily welcomed a bit of European culture to her family (plus croissants!) for a few days with a visit from her pen-pal from France. As Barry quickly gathered, Erica’s guest was a beautiful brunette fille. And, as Erica quickly gathered, this translated into a bevy of hilariously customized music lyrics and morning pleasantries as exclaimed with pride by both Barry and Philly’s own Big Tasty.
The older sister pranks always seem to have that extra qualité spéciale.
While Barry was unassumingly communicating crazy things about cats to the Goldbergs’ wildly confused French guest, Beverly was busy smothering her baby boy Adam with love and a promise to obtain an executive order from President Reagan himself to skip the Presidential Fitness Test.
Conversely, Murray chose to take a stern stance on Adam’s participation.
“Every kid in America has to take that test!”
“But what does that have to do with my Adam?”
As Adam was preparing to stick to admiring the action of Red Dawn on the silver screen, his father Murray sat his youngest son down for a talk about the importance of his youthful experience with learning to swim and trying his hardest no matter what. Inspired, Adam put on his “Mighty Thor” t-shirt and sweatbands to train for that dreaded “pull-up.”
Then, after a comical interpretation of what the local Comptroller was and inter-governmental revenge for a sister, Beverly Goldberg had achieved what nobody had thought possible…
A letter from President Reagan excusing Adam!
Well, it was a letter from a friend-of-a-friend of a colleague of a cousin or someone in Philadelphia that happened to have stationary with the presidential seal and print that excused Adam Goldberg from the Presidential Fitness Test. Ecstatic, Adam dropped from his practice bar and grabbed his letter in pure relief.
FYI-Beverly Goldberg’s calendar doesn’t have an April 1st. Nobody fools Beverly Goldberg (yes, it’s a borrowed/altered joke, but it absolutely fits with yesterday’s episode and date!).
However, as Adam stood outside the doors into the gym at school, he heard his father’s voice. Actually, it wasn’t strange at all because his dad happened to be standing right next to him. Murray couldn’t let his son avoid trying something tough, which led to the admission that he never learned to swim as he had originally told his son. It was his biggest regret. And it was in this rare heart-to-heart moment that Adam chose to exert every single ounce of energy in his body for the most awkward and ugly looking pull-up of all-time (with the help of Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”).
But, he did it! He pulled himself over his fear and onto the front lines of battling those Ruskis!
And Erica, feeling bad for tricking her brother after he revealed his difficulty with talking to American girls and feeling better with taking a shot with someone from another country, again purposefully misread a thank you note for a sweet admission of attraction from her pen-pal. Fluent in French (he was in the war!), Pops applauded his granddaughter for her sincere act of love for her dejected brother.
Unexpectedly and in true Barry-fashion, this led himto park in a no-parking zone and run through the nearby airport to the gate to completely confuse Erica’s pen-pal and receive a customary kiss on each cheek as she departed. Oblivious to French customs, Barry was (once again) left happy in his own reality.
And car-less.
Plus, thanks to a solitary pull-up, Murray found himself in a literal pool of his own fears and a doggy paddle of a shot at swimming with his son ready to rescue him if he were to falter.
You know, that’s kind of like rescuing your fellow soldier in Red Dawn…
P.S. You remember those PSAs.
A Heavenly Night in Munich
Masterful. Superior. Brilliant. Perfection.
These four words definitively encapsulate the performance of Bayern Munich versus the best team in the world yesterday and of the last five years, FC Barcelona, at the grand Allianz Arena in their first UEFA Champions League semifinal match-up. The final score at the end of 93 minutes was 4-nil in favor of “The Bavarians.”
For Bayern Munich fans, last night’s game was absolutely magical.
There are many necessary elements to playing a great soccer game, like good passing, control, positioning and shooting. However, one of the lost arts of “the beautiful game” is the importance of fitness (and some height).
The pure dominance of Lionel Messi and Co. courtesy of Bayern Munich provided a world-class training video in how to surrender more than sixty percent of the possession, and yet, still crush your opponent physically, mentally and on the scoreboard. How? Being efficient and running, running and running. From the very first whistle, the players in red and gold were sprinting to every mark and every man. And yes, this included lone forward Mario Gomez and winger Arjen Robben. To emphasize, they were not jogging, but running and sprinting to every gap and to virtually every space in front of every opposing player on the pitch for the entire game. They successfully executed my suggested defense against FC Barcelona, “The Crocodile Trance,” from back in late March. They were positioned correctly, allowed for possession and then attacked at the exact right moment. Lionel Messi, their maestro in the middle, had no oxygen to get the Barça offense breathing.
FC Barcelona’s excellent brand and bottle of offensive wine, with its smooth taste and dancing flavors, was kept corked in a cellar back in Catalonia.
What was more startling was the fourth and fifth gears the Bayern offense operated with while on the counter-attack after persistent, and seemingly exhausting, defending. Each time they had possession in Barcelona’s side of the field, there was legitimate reason to believe a goal could be scored.
And on four occasions, that happened. The goal scorers were Thomas Müller with a brace, Mario Gomez and Arjen Robben.
A magnificent game plan with an outstanding display of fitness and spacial awareness coupled with good passing, control, shooting and timely height advantages led to one of the most dominating soccer performances in Champions League history, a sentiment being widely echoed.
Here are a couple player reactions from last night’s game.
“[Barcelona] have dominated Europe over the last five years, and to beat them like this in such a terrific way, I think we have to be proud. But on the other hand, let’s be humble about it and enjoy this evening, because there’s still a game to play and we have to be ready [for the second leg].”
—Arjen Robben, Bayern Munich
“The comeback is very complicated,” Messi said.
“They were better than us, they were much stronger. They were superior in everything.”
—Lionel Messi, FC Barcelona
However, there is still one more game to be played in this leg at Camp Nou. FC Barcelona is still considered to be the best team in the world by many. The key words in the previous sentence are, “by many.” After witnessing Bayern Munich’s 4-0 triumph, some are starting to believe this was a “passing of the torch” of sorts for the unofficial crown of the next best team in the world.
This hypothesis will become more clear, but still not solidified, after next Wednesday’s match. But consider this: Bayern Munich has a four goal advantage and a single away goal from them is equivalent to two. Plus, the mastermind behind tika-taka and the massive success the past few years at FC Barcelona, Pep Guardiola, will be the new head coach in Munich next season. Also, Bayern Munich became the fastest team to ever lock-up the Bundesliga Title earlier this season and are set to compete in the German Cup Championship, DFB-Pokal, against VfB Stuttgart on June 1st while under the steady leadership of head coach Jupp Heynckes.
Even just up to this point of the season, Heynckes deserves a tremendous amount of credit for the work he and his coaching staff have orchestrated so far this season. Bravo!
Again, there is still one game left to be played in this semifinal at Camp Nou and the hosts will certainly not be welcoming and will be preparing to fire on all cylinders. All cannons will be lit. It will be an exciting and aggressive game. Camp Nou and all of Catalonia will be rocking.
Still, pending a certain result, the 4-0 victory could prove to be not just a solitary 93 minute sprint, but perhaps the beginning of an enduring marathon of footballing dominance. It’s certainly a fascinating proposition to imagine…
At least for one week, Bayern Munich fans can share Arjen Robben’s sentiment.
Photo By Keeghann Sinanan, Goal.com
I think this look signifies, quite simply, “Yup. We did that.”
Jimmy's Daily Planet 