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Welcome to The Goldbergs: Episode XXII
“Sunday Matinee: It’s like wearing someone else’s wedding dress”
Spoiler Alert: This post contains scenes and content from the May 6, 2014 episode of The Goldbergs
As Adam’s quote above clearly explains, seeing the theatrical release of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi on opening night became the pinnacle of his existence. And, as all good younger brothers do when they’re in a life-altering quandary (speaking from personal experience here), Adam blackmailed his older sister into waiting with him in line to see this new epic space tale on the silver screen at the local theater.
Obvious success, right?
Think again.
A long line + a long time waiting (Forrest Gump-level soda’s consumed by the excited Adam) + sitting in between a 46 year-old man with a talking Yoda puppet and another grown man sitting on a life-size Tauntaun (no joke) + Erica’s friend walking by with two “cool” guys not into Star Wars = an epic betrayal and two cinnamon rolls/swirly muffins.
We’ll come back to this brother-sister equation a little later.
In the meantime, middle child Barry was busy embracing all things Hulk Hogan (as we all do). Unbeknownst to Barry though, the WWF wasn’t real. After several (yes, it took several) warnings that slamming your opponent over the head with a folded chair was not a legitimate aspect of real wrestling, Barry was training to do whatever it took to impress his crush. For him, this meant earning a varsity jacket. Hilariously, the only person standing in his way was his over-protective mother Beverly Goldberg with her countless stories of fellow teenage boys who all seemed to have tragic mishaps with absolutely everything she didn’t want her son to do.
The stories were totally believable, though. I mean, we’ve all seen a mom carrying the head of her son around the grocery store with her son’s vital organs perfectly functioning from his neck after a freak wrestling accident, right?
Okay, maybe Murray had a point about that one…
Growing up with siblings, there are those special moments that arrive with all the excitement and fanfare of a new Star Wars movie: the instance(s) when an older sister just might become a friend. It’s as rare as holding a real-life lightsaber and it should be treated with as much precision and ecstatic jubilation as waving Luke’s trusted sword made of blue light. This moment occurs during the older sister’s teenage years, which can be difficult because this is when she’s trying to leave behind childish indulgences. This includes dressing up like Princess Leia and battling her then much younger brother dressed as Darth Vader in their basement recorded on VHS (ie-Adam’s winning bargaining chip). As this sitcom does so perfectly, this plot line really hit home for me. My two older sisters and I used to build forts and act goofy all the time in our younger days before the necessity to be “cool” became the undisputed priority of all things important.
For me, it wasn’t Star Wars, but a compendium of events with my two older sisters: It was riding bikes to UDF for ice cream during the summer, playing football with one of my older sister’s friends one Saturday, learning clever and edgy jokes while sitting in an Asian airport while on a family vacation, being “kidnapped” by my sister and her friends for my birthday, trick-or-treating with my sister and her friends, visiting both of them at college and laughing at old-style SNL humor found in Grown Ups and Grown Ups 2.
The relationship between siblings is fascinating and special to say the least, partly because the seemingly unfiltered honesty. We can be blunt with comedic “burns” and it works somehow. We can blackmail our older sister with pictures during her first boy-girl party ($5 a pop!). A comfort level and understanding grows between brother and sister(s), even to the point when Erica finally realizes that after bailing on her younger brother to spend time with her cool friends while he went to the bathroom and therefore lost his place in line, she knew the real reason why Adam coaxed her to seeing Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi with him: the hope for sibling friendship.
Cognizant of her little brother’s sincere motivation, Erica did the unthinkable: she dressed up like Princess Leia (again), fully equipped with cinnamon rolls/swirly muffins on her ears and bribed an usher with a date at the local theater to sneak them into Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi!
“Star Wars: It gave us lightsabers, the force and Billy Dee Williams in a cape.”
And a fun day at the movies between brother and sister.
At school, Barry heeded the wrestling advice of his dad Murray. After suffering defeat on the mat to his mother in front of everybody (don’t mess with Thunder Bev!), he embraced his WWF character (also named Barry from Philadelphia) and dominated his opponent with the support of his family looking on with pride.
Victory!
As his crush looked on with smiling approval, Barry messed that moment up like only Barry could, which led to a halted chair-over-the-head of his opponent finale.
But don’t worry, Big Tasty will be surely be back for another round…
The Goldbergs: Return of the Family.
Love’s Mood Game with a Punch
Spoiler Alert: This post includes content from the April 29, 2014 episode of The Goldbergs:
Addiction.
It’s a seductive lady (or, in Erica’s case, a hunky neighbor) that peers over from across the room like a new arcade game being plugged-in, lit up for the beginning of an unforgettable string of nights together.
It’s new and fun at first, but, if you’re not careful, she’ll knock you right out of your senses. She’ll have you scrounging high and low (emphasis on low) to keep going.
Not even Abraham Lincoln can save you with his luck.
“A penny? Worthless, it’s the garbage of money!”
The video game arcade was archetypal of the 1980s and Adam and Barry were rendered as shocked as the reality that there were “high-definition” animations inside the games. The trouble is when this digitally mastered past-time translates beyond the doors of the gaming wonderland and overtakes your every thought and every reaction. So much so that your younger brother’s prized possession can be traded-in for scraps (well, fifty cents anyways).
What would Han Solo say?
Like a favorite arcade game, that first crush has the same effect in terms of dominating our every sense and every thought. An uncontrollable power unlike most anything else in this world, we are at the beckon call and mercy of our love. But, as Erica tragically discovered, that guiding light of her life that stemmed from a varsity jacket was as fickle as a coach’s starting lineup.
The break-up. The breakdown. The über rational and scientific indicator for knowing how to feel in situations like this.
“My mood ring’s been black for three days!”
Let’s hop in a De Lorean with some Huey Lewis & the News and travel ~ 30 years into the future for a quick moment and see if we can discover the real “power of love.”
Living in the second decade of the 21st century virtually requires a digital footprint on a seemingly infinite grid. There are savvy gadgets, innumerable apps and convenient computers for the desk, lap and hand. The cloud is above us, next to us and in front of us (though sans a reliable, visible presence) every hour we allow that bright glow to permeate through during an intimate dinner conversation or while our eyes are attempting to close for the night.
There is always something to read, something to know and someone to text. Admittedly, the latter is a tremendous feature on our phones, bridging a communication gap with casual conversations here and there throughout the day.
Regardless, when did this happen? Why did we surrender ourselves to the pursuit of endless data? Collecting information is not good or bad in absolute terms, but it does distract us from the natural evolution of ourselves and our surroundings. Every so often, we need to break our technology-centric pattern and wake-up like it’s the 1980s, void of that bright shining light in order to refresh what “data” we really should be absorbing (do I really need to watch every interview with Steven Spielberg tonight?), experiencing and using to help ourselves and the people we care about.
Shouldn’t we be prioritizing our limited time with the people we hold dearest?
Ironically, whether in 2014 or 1980-something, we just need to unplug.
Sometimes, we need to open our bedroom window and yell at our former crush as he or she is chilling in his or her car with their “new love.”
Having a shouting sidekick like Beverly Goldberg doesn’t hurt either.
Plus, the wind can randomly and perfectly lift and hurdle a garbage can through the windshield of a former boyfriend’s car.
Strange how this phenomenon happens in almost every American neighborhood after a break-up…
The Goldbergs reminds us of a simpler time with entertaining stories of how we all struggle with life and our place in it (and the occasional addiction) during our most comically awkward years. Thankfully, human nature and our personal limitations eventually prompt us to turn off our gadgets for a little while or to realize the true price of pawning our younger brother’sMillennium Falcon for a couple plays at Punch-Out!! at the nearby arcade.
Turns out, it was a signed Moses Malone jersey (ouch!).
This personal awareness can also open the door for father Murray Goldberg to finally help his daughter in a very real way with her ailing, broken heart. It’s astonishing what can transpire when we allow someone to show us a helpful, glowingly inspiring alternative.
Like being on the receiving end of a punching bag, there are days when we couldn’t be happier to take a hit for our family.
Once again, The Goldbergs proved the ’80s was a fantastic decade with another heart-warming and entertaining KO.
30 Minutes of Heaven
“Some things in life are as amazing as you hope they’ll be.”
“The Goldbergs” on ABC (Twitter)
Spoiler Alert: Some contents of this post includes scenes from the April 8, 2014 episode of The Goldbergs
When we’re young, the natural progression is to grow up. That’s life. We’ll do anything we can to reach that summit of all things incredible that are surely waiting for us at the end of each quest. And why are we so anxious to mature at this very moment? Like spin the bottle, we’re excited to see fate point us in the very direction of our sought after wish/pretty crush we dream of…
(Here’s a fun fact: the best clothing item to wear during this journey is a blue velour shirt. Oh, and don’t forget about oysters and Moroccan pillows!)
Laser tag is awesome, just to put it out there.
In particular, Adam Goldberg knows this because it’s so antithetical to what he and we all do on a daily basis: running around and shooting lasers at friends and random people in an abandoned warehouse-like building? Yes, please! However, leave it to older sister Erica and older brother Barry to break the news of the utter “un-coolness” this childish activity showcases. That’s why, on his birthday no less, Erica and Barry both convince Adam (for different reasons) to ditch lasers for twister, a bottle of milk (that was full until Barry came to the rescue) and a closet with a 7-minute timer.
To be fair, the latter list was all Barry. And you wouldn’t expect anything less. Not even one bit. Just so naturally fantastic.
What’s more is that Adam was also dealing with his absent-minded father Murray (who forgot his birthday…again) and his overly-protective and snuggles-happy mom Beverly who was hell-bent on throwing her baby boy the perfect birthday party fully-equipped with a homemade Bert and Ernie cake, a clown, bagel bites and, of course, her.
But do you know what’s cooler than all that? A make-out party in the basement with mood-lighting, soft cheese and Big Tasty spinning the beats there to impress his crush.
What could go wrong? What won’t be hilariously awkward and outstanding about this?
Like each of the past episodes of The Goldbergs, this show is an entertaining mimic of so many personal experiences of mine and all its viewers who watch it and love every minute of it (nostalgia overload!). Last night’s story perfectly showed that for those of us who still indulge in past favorites and borderline childish activities (I guess my Superman license plate could be an example) that it’s okay to be ourselves. Although, there’s a serious/logical reason for still liking Superman so much, but that’s for another day.
If we’re goofy one day, then we’re goofy that day. If we’re romantic for one day, one week or one month, etc., then we’re romantic that special evening or random Wednesday morning with a gesture from the heart because it feels right.
Growing up is a straight-forward, yet somewhat confusing concept. We need to live for what our gut and heart tells us to do. It’s this instinct that draws me to take a date to a bowling alley (even with my limited talents in the lanes) for a fun evening and to quote movie and funny television show lines (actually, that’s just awesome!) and to pick cereal with marshmallows in it every so often because while most mornings are spent eating like an adult, there are occasions that should be enjoyed like a not-a-care in-the-world 8-year old.
But it’s also this same instinct that drives me to (in no particular order) work relentlessly at achieving great things in sports and academics, finding my true career, finding that special someone and anything that would help family and friends. It inspires me to travel across the country for a music festival or a sitcom taping or to venture around the world to immerse myself in new cultures for once-in-a-lifetime experiences.
Plus, it motivates me to put every single bit of my pride aside and dress up like a big green dinosaur (full suit with tail, mind you) and go to a Halloween festival with all of Westerville looking on because it means the world to my nephew.
Back to 1980-something, Erica could not stand the sight of her little brother Adam acting like, well, her other younger brother Barry. In what was a moment of pure shock, Erica reacted to Adam’s make-out party like her mom Beverly!
Erica’s world view changed that night…
After Beverly thoroughly embarrassed Adam “ladies man” Goldberg with an unexpected sit-down in the closet behind the coats (where are those ski boots?), Adam’s crush rushed out. She asked him why they didn’t just play laser tag? Then, Adam remembered that his dad had surprised him with laser tag gear for him and all his friends just twenty minutes earlier.
It was on (laser tag, that is).
Beverly, Murray and Erica looked on from the front porch as their goofy son/brother played laser tag with his friends in the yard. Not even Al Capone’s secret vault could draw Murray away and Erica was happy to see she had her weird little brother back again.
And, without the assistance of an empty milk bottle or closet, Adam finally got his first kiss after saving his crush from a laser attack with an action movie-caliber diving effort.
With the ’80s classic “Just Like Heaven” playing in the background, being himself turned out to be “the cure” for Adam getting his birthday wish.
Tirer-Votre Famille
“What are you going to do when the Ruski invaders storm the suburbs of Philly?”
Spoiler Alert: This is a Recap of the April 1, 2014 episode of The Goldbergs
What does a pull-up, Red Dawn, a complete misunderstanding of the French language and a letter from President Reagan (but not really) all have in common?
Just another day in the Goldberg household.
Gym class in middle school can be a tortuous occasion (especially when wearing a bright yellow t-shirt with your name written on it in black marker). The embarrassment of not being able to do physical activities in front of all your classmates can be life-scarring, with the added bonus of the mispronunciation of your last name by your gym teacher. Still, the most fearful stage of the Presidential Fitness Test of the 1980s was that steel bar hanging high above the ground, shining with intimidation like a spotlight in the middle of the gymnasium for the muscle-intensive pull-up.
How does one lift their head over that bar when athletic ability is not your best friend or third cousin? For the terrified Adam Goldberg, it had something to do with a pool…
“Bienvenue à Philadelphie!“
Erica happily welcomed a bit of European culture to her family (plus croissants!) for a few days with a visit from her pen-pal from France. As Barry quickly gathered, Erica’s guest was a beautiful brunette fille. And, as Erica quickly gathered, this translated into a bevy of hilariously customized music lyrics and morning pleasantries as exclaimed with pride by both Barry and Philly’s own Big Tasty.
The older sister pranks always seem to have that extra qualité spéciale.
While Barry was unassumingly communicating crazy things about cats to the Goldbergs’ wildly confused French guest, Beverly was busy smothering her baby boy Adam with love and a promise to obtain an executive order from President Reagan himself to skip the Presidential Fitness Test.
Conversely, Murray chose to take a stern stance on Adam’s participation.
“Every kid in America has to take that test!”
“But what does that have to do with my Adam?”
As Adam was preparing to stick to admiring the action of Red Dawn on the silver screen, his father Murray sat his youngest son down for a talk about the importance of his youthful experience with learning to swim and trying his hardest no matter what. Inspired, Adam put on his “Mighty Thor” t-shirt and sweatbands to train for that dreaded “pull-up.”
Then, after a comical interpretation of what the local Comptroller was and inter-governmental revenge for a sister, Beverly Goldberg had achieved what nobody had thought possible…
A letter from President Reagan excusing Adam!
Well, it was a letter from a friend-of-a-friend of a colleague of a cousin or someone in Philadelphia that happened to have stationary with the presidential seal and print that excused Adam Goldberg from the Presidential Fitness Test. Ecstatic, Adam dropped from his practice bar and grabbed his letter in pure relief.
FYI-Beverly Goldberg’s calendar doesn’t have an April 1st. Nobody fools Beverly Goldberg (yes, it’s a borrowed/altered joke, but it absolutely fits with yesterday’s episode and date!).
However, as Adam stood outside the doors into the gym at school, he heard his father’s voice. Actually, it wasn’t strange at all because his dad happened to be standing right next to him. Murray couldn’t let his son avoid trying something tough, which led to the admission that he never learned to swim as he had originally told his son. It was his biggest regret. And it was in this rare heart-to-heart moment that Adam chose to exert every single ounce of energy in his body for the most awkward and ugly looking pull-up of all-time (with the help of Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”).
But, he did it! He pulled himself over his fear and onto the front lines of battling those Ruskis!
And Erica, feeling bad for tricking her brother after he revealed his difficulty with talking to American girls and feeling better with taking a shot with someone from another country, again purposefully misread a thank you note for a sweet admission of attraction from her pen-pal. Fluent in French (he was in the war!), Pops applauded his granddaughter for her sincere act of love for her dejected brother.
Unexpectedly and in true Barry-fashion, this led himto park in a no-parking zone and run through the nearby airport to the gate to completely confuse Erica’s pen-pal and receive a customary kiss on each cheek as she departed. Oblivious to French customs, Barry was (once again) left happy in his own reality.
And car-less.
Plus, thanks to a solitary pull-up, Murray found himself in a literal pool of his own fears and a doggy paddle of a shot at swimming with his son ready to rescue him if he were to falter.
You know, that’s kind of like rescuing your fellow soldier in Red Dawn…
P.S. You remember those PSAs.
Jimmy's Daily Planet 