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Just Say Yes to America’s Funniest Family
Spoiler Alert: Content from this blog entry is from the April 15, 2015 episode of The Goldbergs
“Son, you are no longer a moron. You are a man.”
Last night, The Goldbergs gave its fans treinta minutos extra (that’s “30 extra minutes” for Adam Goldberg-level Spanish speakers) in a 2-episode feature. In dealing with this new, altered reality, the major highlights of both shows will be intertwined in a creative way…
I can relate to the Goldberg family in countless ways, but Adam in particular. And his titanic struggles with Spanish was like a play-by-play from my life, except for dressing up as a bullfighter and making guacamole in class (well played, Beverly). Full disclosure: we all had one subject that was just never going to happen, no matter what.
It was like, “No way, José!”
For me, like Adam, my least proficient subject was Spanish. Basically, it was all about survival. Pass and move on. And, whenever possible, pray for a teacher that was merciful in her grading. I never received special treatment for any of my profound proclamations, even when I conjured up such enlightening revelations as, “Donde esta la biblioteca?” However, Adam’s Smother, Beverly, was very good friends with Alexander Hamilton and his many, many twin brothers…
Beverly’s tactics became a forbidden dance involving Adam’s Spanish teacher in more ways than one, two steps to the right and dip!
And on the other side of town, Barry was exercising his gladiator skills. This involved heroic obstacles, such as balancing on an ottoman whilst getting hit in the head with two pillows taped to both ends of a stick with a helmet on, dodging zero tennis balls and failing to deliver a record-breaking number of pizzas in one evening…as in a crazy high number…it was 33! Fortunately for Barry, his old man could relate to his struggles as a first-time teenage worker and even had a cold brewsky waiting for his oldest son when he got home to share with him. Unfortunately for Murray, the beer company failed to print a warning label about not slapping the beer across the room out of nervousness.
Some people don’t need to drink a beer to feel its effects.
Perhaps Barry was subconsciously restraining himself while he trained for his audition video for “American Gladiators,” one of the greatest shows ever. Literally! Lucky for him, his trusty younger brother Adam was fully-equipped with a video camera and sick editing tricks. Now, would Adam use his tricks for good or for evil?
(Hint: Bob Saget was involved…)
Whenever confronting two evils, politics cannot be too far behind. For the Goldbergs household, it got personal. The presidential election with Reagan v. Mondale evolved into Nancy Reagan v. Geraldine Ferraro that really became Beverly v. Erica. Predicting what issues are important to voters can be impossible to anticipate and this was clearly revealed between newly political Erica and her priority opposite mother. “Just Say No” turned into a search and seizure of polarized opinions within the family.
Since last night was special and featured 2-episodes, how about an original lyrical poem written in the spirit of the Rapping King of the Goldberg household to summarize the night’s events:
Big Tasty here, and you wanna know what’s up?
when I see a beer, I just slap-that-cup!
My little bro is helping me out, flexing my muscles,
“American Gladiators” watch out, ’cause I ‘just say no’ to snuggles
Pops is around, always ready with sage advice,
except when I’m chillin’ in my new chair watching “Miami Vice”
It seems the fam is getting political, talkin’ about taxes,
I don’t wanna hear it because I’ve gotta go practice
But Erica said Mondale, Mom and Dad said Reagan,
set in their corners, they each think the other is mistaken
Pizza delivery wasn’t meant for me, there were just too many calls,
now Adam can resume hitting me with bright yellow balls!
Gotta get tough, the JTP needs me, we’re the Dream Team,
but a rival crew just booped my nose with a dollop of ice cream
Mom realized her baby boy isn’t perfect and replied with a, “que?”
“Tengo problemas y necesito ayuda” is what Adam wished he could say
Dad crossed into my sister’s universe and it was a mess,
he told Erica he was proud of her, speaking with fatherly finesse
She didn’t get the beer, but she definitely knew,
what it meant for them to almost share a brew
Adam and I had a tennis racket-to-chest and a heart-to-heart,
and in the end, we learned we never wanted to be apart
I was embarrassed on national TV, yet with a chance at prize money,
but hey, that’s just life with my family, which I guess is pretty funny
Like Reagan in ’84, The Goldbergs is a landslide win.
The Cadence Decision
Spoiler Alert: Content from this blog entry is from the April 8, 2015 episode of The Goldbergs
“The technology ends here!”
During the 1980s, it was easy to believe such a statement as a wide-eyed teenager. There had never been inventions for music that could be held in one’s hands: the compact disc (CD) and the CD player.
(The Goldbergs Twitter)
(Maybe literally skipping around would prevent the CD from skipping songs?)
When Barry and Erica discovered the insanely amazing technological breakthrough in the mall one afternoon, there minds were blown! Their new life objective consisted of getting the insanely expensive entertainment system powered by CD’s into their house. Unfortunately, this candle in the wind was going to be blown out pretty quickly by Murray: the rocket man of no.
Meanwhile, Adam’s quest was to avoid snuggies at all costs on his undetermined birthday while in middle school in 1980s something. Always one step ahead, Beverly already planned the best birthday for her baby boy. Did this mean a surprise appearance by a clown with balloon animals? Of course not. Beverly would never do that for her child in middle school…
A slumber party manly sleepover with Adam’s two good friends and a future best bud involved ninja throwing stars, a pipe and a warm, non-fermented beer. Following a quick swig by each rebel, along with the most devastating liquid drop ever in the Goldbergs household by Adam, the partying quartet were forced to their lonely corners. In the literal sense, this meant each of them eating at nearby (yet separate) tables at lunch.
Shockingly though, the kids’ parents proved just how alike they were to each of their children in the subsequent meeting after the party disaster. After a 20-minute swear fest and time to reflect on the true “innocence” of their kids, Beverly led the eventual coming together of the parents. The end result was a weekly therapeutic card game where they relaxed, had fun and talked about how their little snuggle monkey drove them absolutely crazy. Beverly also hoped a stack of quarters for Adam’s birthday redo at the arcade with his friends would help. A requested tummy rub later and all was forgiven (plus, did you know that “bad apples make the best pies!”). And like any great quartet, the first breakup is inevitable. They just needed to find the right rhythm (and fully fermented beer).
Speaking of the right song, Barry and Erica made a deal with their dad that if they wrote the greatest song in history, Murray would buy them the entertainment system. Sadly (and completely unforeseen), Big Tasty’s rhymes were a little stale this week. Erica’s keyboard skills suffered a similar fate. The next best thing? Steal someone else’s song! Who better than Elton John. There’s no way Murray’s heard of him…
After failing to pass off an Elton John classic as their own, Pops suggested trying to understand their dad’s perspective. This led to the ever-so-popular “me gift.” It’s when you buy someone a gift, but it’s really meant for you. It was a bold move, but Murray’s reaction to “his” new entertainment system was even bolder. He forbid their use of it and declared his hip, exclusive of the magic technology.
And nothing says hip like mispronouncing Flavor Flav.
Despite his children wildly misinterpreting his childhood (well, lack of a childhood) because he had to care for his younger brother, Murray gave Barry and Erica some Philadelphia freedom by letting them use the entertainment system. Murray realized he needed to be more concerned and proud of giving his children what he didn’t have when he was their age. This was a genuinely powerful revelation for him. In this moment, Murray turned a very tense page in a chapter of his life and flipped into the chapter where he worked to help his kids achieve their dreams for their passions without drawing back to his own shortcomings.
It was his song to his kids.
By the Power of Grayskull, Fools Will Fall
Spoiler Alert: Content in this blog post is from the April 1, 2015 episode of The Goldbergs
When the creation of the Momager (Mom + Manager) isn’t the highlight of the show, that’s a sign the Goldberg family hit the right notes in their special April Fools’-themed episode (did you notice Barry’s t-shirt flash changes between the Flyers and Flames?). In a half hour that featured one of those pandemonium-filled free concerts in malls across America of yesteryear by the it performer of that time and a prank war that rivaled the Cold War, suburban Philadelphia could not be prepared for what would transpire.
The picture that developed from these events will haunt our dreams forever…
From pretending to destroy the cherished shoe of a 76er great to obliterating Castle Grayskull to removing all susceptible targets of destruction from one’s room to dismantling a video camera, Adam and Barry did not participate, but were heavily invested in winning April Fools’ Day. It got serious really quickly and elevated to a level that could have broken them. But, after completely confusing 3-4 major conflicts, Barry did manage to understand the importance of the Berlin Wall falling down.
A truce was necessary. Adam’s livelihood at school was saved (you’ll see).
Meanwhile, Erica was busy obsessing over the parties she and Tiffany would inevitably host together once they were both touring pop superstars. Like every girl alive, she dreamed of singing to thousands of screaming, adoring fans. Then came the “pusher” and the “smusher” (ie- Beverly and Murray). It was Beverly’s surefire parenting trick to encourage her children to do anything, but with a contingency (the practicality of Murray) to push them back to reality. Except in this case, Murray flipped the script on his speechless wife. The result was a labyrinth of role reversals between the three that eventually led to Erica’s fiscally tight dad giving his aspirational daughter $200 to follow her dreams in recording a demo tape.
The fluorescent t-shirts are ready for sale (contact the Momager for more information).
By having two older sisters, I never experienced the glorious prank battles between brothers. My sisters and I had an insane amount of fun together with unforgettable memories and sometimes the dynamic was like I had an older brother, but there was no Big Tasty rapping his horribly specific rhymes in my childhood. Regardless, I remember idolizing a famous singer/band and going into a record store and buying their CD (that’s the physical version of a digital download, young people) or, like Adam, enjoying everything amazing by Steven Spielberg.
I had/have dreams of one day acting in a Steven Spielberg movie. Crazy, right? Well, whether it happens or not, that’s a good thing. Just like Beverly and Murray, it’s important to promote the idea that anything is attainable. Murray “The Smusher” Goldberg put it best: He told his daughter that while there are millions of other girls trying to become a famous pop star like her, she needs to remember that she is an original.
And Tiffany Renee Darwish had to work hard to take the improbable journey to become Tiffany. Everything seems crazy until it happens.
Including this:
(The Goldbergs Twitter)
(The Goldbergs Twitter)
The Real Beverly 1, The Real Adam 0.
Everyday is April Fools’ Day with Beverly Goldberg.
Have a Little Faith on the Edge
Spoiler Alert: Content from this blog post is from the March 25, 2015 episode of The Goldbergs
(The Goldbergs Twitter)
Like any good sitcom, the objective is to humorously dance on the border of what’s funny and what’s not, what’s acceptable and what’s taboo. In the case of The Goldbergs last night, they literally dealt with lines of acceptable behavior in ways they haven’t before.
When it gets real, you’re gonna feel…almost as much as those lost boys from that ’80s cult classic.
“So, which boy is lost? His poor mother must be going insane.”
On more than a few occasions in our lives, we’ll get angry. In fact, we’ll get so piping mad that we’ll build everything up that’s bothering us for an explosion that would rival Pompeii. That unlucky person at the bottom better prepare for the hottest lava they’ve ever seen and thought possible. Then, it happens. Bottled up emotions are released and our message has finally gotten across to that certain someone.
Victory at last! Line = crossed.
Barry and Erica stood up to their mom’s ridiculous guilt-tripping antics. It was long overdue. In their minds, if they didn’t do something dramatic, then they had failed as children (self high-five).
The result? They stranded their über (not the car service) loving mom on the side of a road for her to walk home, until she’s rescued and dropped off by a nice police officer.
Uh oh.
The consequence? Succumbing to a bedazzling session that would make Liberace blush.
On the other side of town was Adam and Murray at a Phillies game. As is the situation at most every baseball game, the real exciting action takes place off the field. Adam, determined to prove once-and-for-all that he was in fact a man to his frustrated father, chose the all-too-familiar disgusting stadium bathroom (without decorative soaps, mind you!) as his Death Star to conquer. The only problem was Luke Adam forgot to remember where his seat was…Being lost in a stadium, before cell phones, was a terrifying ordeal. There’s literally almost nothing to do. It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack., except this needle is your kid/dad and there’s a time limit with serious fears of never seeing him again.
So, what does a man do in this maze of fear?
A real man (in a split second) is able to prioritize what’s truly important in life and shut everything else out. We refrain from using whatever ammunition we had saved up for our boisterous proclamations and, instead, use our energy to make sure the other person is alright. That’s precisely what happened when Adam finally saw his dad worriedly waiting for him by the car in the cleared parking lot.
Even more important than children (11, 14 or however old they are?) obeying their parents’ sometimes absurd wishes is realizing that parents are in a similar dynamic. They can be argumentative, stern and just as capable of overreacting as their children. Ironically though, parents want exactly what their angst-filled kids want: for them to be happy, independent and to feel safe. And John Hiatt’s “Have a Little Faith in Me” was the perfect song to capture this sentiment at the end of arguably the most sincere Goldbergs episode yet.
One of the best parts about family is that they give us plenty of chances to learn this essential life lesson, with hilariously awkward moments sprinkled in bedazzled on.
It’s as awesome as high-fiving a dolphin.
Jimmy's Daily Planet 